Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Surrender Dorothy

I'm thinking about surrendering....again.

I have tried it before.
It did work.

Until I stopped.
And started resisting.

Not really, resisting...but




Not resisting a hunk of dark chocolate, or resisting hitting the snooze button again, or even resisting the urge to sneak up on my cat and scare the crap out of him. (I don't do that anymore.)

I'm resisting evaluations. Of everything.

Overthinking. Judging. Evaluating.

You're wrong! (He's creepy looking.) What a idiotic driver! Wow, you're daughter is beautiful! Hey, you've lost weight! God, he looks awful.

It's not the worst thing in the world, evaluating. It's not murder.

But years and years of evaluations, building from the beginning of our lives, changes us. Changes how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. Especially when it comes from the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.

You're fat. You're stupid. You'll never learn. You're so selfish. Why are you so weird?

The only way to stop it, is to stop doing it. So, I'm practicing. Surrendering the urge to evaluate my children, my husband, strangers, myself. Surrendering the urge to evaluate how others evaluate me.

Letting it go. Surrendering it all and letting each moment be what it is. Not letting past noise distort this moment right now.

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