Relentless, unpredictable burning, pressured body pain. Shifting sears an invisible heated knife through her body so swiftly there isn't time to retract the movement. It shocks, paralyzes for moments.
I can hear it through the phone. Sometimes it speaks louder than she does. Sometimes I feel it before I hear her voice answer the phone.
It's a dead weight resting on her raw spine. Reaching out lazily, plucking at nerves. Confusing her immune system to attack healthy tissue. Commanding attention by acting out.
And all I can do is witness it.
Sometimes I feel her pain physically. Sometimes emotionally. Sometimes both. Sometimes I shut it down. I can't look at it. I can't read it. I can't hear it. I can't feel it. I can't.
And there are other times. Times when my shen (spirit-mind) can slip like satin into a place that supports me, weightless. From above I'm suspended. From below I'm grounded. There is no pain, there is no euphoria. There is only observation...this moment...now...now...now...
I am part of something larger...just one small piece of something larger. Unending. Infinite. And I am tiny.
Throughout the day I practice being in this place...then I've realized I slipped away and I move back in...fluctuating between energies of blocked intense emotion to...flowing peace.
In your pained state, you need flowing peace. In your pained state, I do too. I practice observing from my tiny piece, my place in the whole. I practice being. I practice...not always successful...an open, flowing, peaceful part of the whole. I practice being responsible for the energy I bring with me.